Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
