he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
The Olympian is in my bed
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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