It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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