I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
