Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
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