planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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