my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
