My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
This house was built for laser tag.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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