rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
If I die, sorry about rent.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
