So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
