Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
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