My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
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