thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize