my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
