when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
These tits shall not be calmed
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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