I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
