So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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