i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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