I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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