i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
