If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
