Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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