drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
