His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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