when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
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The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
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I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
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