Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
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