I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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