Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
