Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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