Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
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