I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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