If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
