They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
