my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
you told grandpa to call you daddy
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
