maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
