What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
its not stalking. its research.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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