I need to stop coming to work sober
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Randomize
