I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Crop dusting thru forever 21
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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