Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
