so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
You ruined the universe
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Randomize
