My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
My bed smells like the plague
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
