I can't breathe out the right side of my face
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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