I heard we made out
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
