"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
