She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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