Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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