I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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