did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Randomize
