she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
