I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
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My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
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I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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