I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
