I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
