Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
