Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Randomize
