Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
She just used a chaser for red wine.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Randomize
