My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
