My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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