I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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