Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Randomize
