Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
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