It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
my being single is dangerous.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Randomize
