i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
this must be what syphilis tastes like
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Randomize
