You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
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