a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
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